Saying Goodbye

45 days.

I just said goodbye to my first born for 45 days.

This picture is a representation of notes and presents I sent with him to somehow try and send my love and encouragement right into the middle of the next 6 weeks.

I come to y’all super vulnerable right in the thick of all this right now... with an achy mama heart, a little raw, a lot exposed.

For reasons beyond what I can share in a quick post, my son is with his dad for a long haul through the New Year. When hugging him good bye today I whispered, “Happy thanksgiving my love, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.”

Does this ever get easier? Does my mama heart ever get used to my babies going back and forth between homes? Knowing I’ll miss several sweet moments in my boy’s year all with one quick good bye? Celebrating holidays and other major events days, sometimes weeks after the fact?

No. It doesn’t.

We accept these things as what they are. We make the best out of the circumstance we live in. And yet... we are living outside of God’s originally intended design. It truly never gets easier.

Sigh.💔

But it does morph and transform into something entirely new when we invite God right into the middle of the mess.

You see, I’ve always loved “birthday month”. Even before I existed in the middle of a crazy blended family - I LOVED a celebration that spanned past a single day.

Why not embrace that same attitude right in the thick of this moment? Why not embrace Christmas in January?? Why not give thanksgiving any and every day of the year? I’ll eat the heck out of a turkey and mashed potatoes any day of the week. Does the 3rd Thursday in November really have to hold that much “street cred”????

For those of us that live and love in a blended family, we have an extra layer of choice and complexity that we have to work through on all of these things. Do we put too much expectation and pressure on the dates, the moments we are told should have extra meaning? Or do we choose to celebrate as it works within the family structure we exist in?

I invite you into our same, shared space of figuring out what works in your family. Don’t worry about the hallmark movies. Don’t stress about the Pinterest posts. What is the reality you find yourself in, and how can you invite joy and tradition and holiness right into the thick of it? How can you move past the “what should be” into the “what is”?

Let me be honest, I have had to mourn the loss of what I felt this should look like. It’s not always easy.

TODAY was not easy.

Today I cry as I navigate through these feelings of loss. Tonight I sit and weep. Not just all these feels for one of our kiddos today (my bio), but as I look ahead to our other two boys (Mike’s bios) who leave for another home as well on Monday for 9 days. Our home will definitely be different (and several decibels quieter) on thanksgiving this year as our typical family of four kiddos becomes a party of one (sweet Stella Mae in her weird sometimes pseudo-only-child life!). This isn’t our first holiday (or our 2nd, 5th nor 10th) that we’ve been without all of our kiddos. Why it seems harder in some ways this year, I’m not entirely sure. But it’s hard all the same.

This is where I am - fully present in this achy, raw moment tonight.

But tomorrow, we’ll rise and embrace the good together. The way we see forward. We ask God to intervene in the middle and do His great work of restoration and redemption and renewal. Of giving us His promise of a “new thing”. This is good and important work my loves.

Even if we watch the hallmark movies with a big ole’ box of tissues tonight.