Don’t talk when you’re tired, hungry or horny!

Ok, that’s a big opening statement. HELLO!!!!! Mike and I are asked often for advice about navigating blended family dynamics and marriage. We come back to this little gem time and time again!!!!!!! We live in a weird social-media driven world where so many people seem to think everyone should know their rawest thoughts on any and every topic on any given day, and that they should know them the very moment those thoughts are had. Not true in social media (ahem), and not true in your marriage. Whether it’s your first marriage or your thirty-first (hopefully not, but I digress), this one shift in your communication and conflict management style with your spouse will literally CHANGE YOUR LIFE. I promise this warranted all caps. I feel that strongly about it.

I’m assuming most reading this post has found themselves in the middle of “intense fellowship” with their spouse. Moments when hurtful things have been said, big conversations need to be had. Or that moment you know you are literally on the precipice of being able to back off and save a conversation or barge forward and watch both of you completely unravel and talk about alllllll the things that have nothing to do with your original topic of conversation, sometimes from years ago. Or worse. It’s in those moments I want to interject this truth.

DO NOT TALK ABOUT THINGS WHEN YOU ARE TIRED, HUNGRY OR HORNY (or a combination of all three, especially when you’re still highly emotionally charged).

Let’s unpack this a bit. There are definitely a couple of “ground rules” that Mike and I have agreed upon and fine tuned over the years to make this really work for us:

1. Both of you should have the ability to declare the above and halt the conversation immediately. Respectfully and with knowledge of the other succeeding ground rules. This won’t always be easy (especially in the beginning), but it’s important you both have the ability to push the pause button and have it be respected.

2. Often this may be declared late at night. We are parents, so “late” for us is generally anytime after 8:30pm. If we are going to bed (refer to: tired) we always go to bed together. No one leaves. There is no “dog house” and there is no couch option. Here are the words we say to each other in some form or fashion... “We will talk about this and sort it out tomorrow. I love you. My feelings are hurt by what you said (or whatever is going on), but I love you. Good night”. Now go to bed. No more talking today good sir.

3. If you need to take care of that whole horny issue, do it! Literally DO IT. I’m not advocating for angry sex. Please hear me loud and clear on this point. This is about knowing your spouse’s needs and being honoring and logical (I know this may not be popular opinion. If you disagree with me, I’m comfortable that we can agree to disagree and leave it there). If it’s been a week since you last made love and one or both of you are “on edge”, make the decision and priority to connect in the bedroom before talking about some disaster your kids are facing that you see differently on, or that comment that was said flippantly, etc etc etc. If you don’t “feel like it”, please remember that right feelings come after right actions. Do the right thing and trust your emotions will catch up at some point. If you wait to “feel like it”, you might be waiting a long time.

4. This declaration does need to be time-bound (to some extent). In relationships, there is generally one person who is dying to hash it alllllll out immediately (and until 3am if needed. y’all know who you are.), and another that would prefer to avoid, avoid, avoid until you forget about what you were even talking about in the first place. *At this point, those of you that are avoiders might be very excited about my post thinking this is a big green light to pacify all your avoiding tendencies. It’s not. When one of y’all halts your conversation until someone has a sandwich, a nap, or sex (or all three. possibly at the same time.), you should provide an estimate of when that follow up conversation will occur. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR SPOUSE HANGING OR WONDERING WHEN THEY WILL GET TO ACTUALLY TALK ABOUT THE ISSUE. Unless there are major issues that requires more time to process or heal, I recommend trying to circle around within that next 24 hours.

5. Remember that a productive, fruitful, solution-oriented talk is the goal - NOT being right. If you still feel the need to be right over the need to come to a solution together, you may need a little more time with Jesus before you talk with your spouse.

**Insert important page break. I recognize that every situation is different. I don’t know what you’re walking through. What I’m recommending is not applicable to abusive situations. If that is happening, please seek help immediately. Also, if you need counseling because the issue is too big to handle yourselves, please find a counselor to help you. Y’all are not alone and there are resources.**

Research says it takes 21 days to break a habit (some even say up to 180 days!). Anything new you try will feel uncomfortable until it stops feeling uncomfortable (read this again if you need to). As I said earlier, don’t wait for your emotions to warrant changing your actions. Do the hard work to take action of implementing these changes within the communication with your spouse and give it time to show up and reflect in your actual feelings. Allow yourself to feel uncomfortable. I did. And my mind is literally BLOWN away at how big of a difference this is made in our marriage.

Don’t talk while you’re tired, hungry or horny! Lesson #288448 from the Blender ❤️

PS This lesson has been so incredibly impactful for both Mike and I that we promise a video (maybe videos!!) unpacking this farther. With personal stories and antidotes. Pray for us now (and my parents since I keep using the word “horny”).