Pivot!

Do you remember the “Friends” episode where Ross is struggling to get the couch up the stairs with Chandler and Rachel and keeps yelling “pivot, PIVOT”? Makes me totally giggle even now. But thinking about it in hindsight, it appears Ross was speaking less about a couch and in reality was prophesizing what seems to be the theme of our WHOLE FREAKING SCHOOLING EXPERIENCE this year.

Change is hard. Change in 2020 has become the norm for most of us not living in a bunker, but it’s still hard. Add to that I have a tendency towards being a creature of habit, so change can make me feel especially unstable and off-center. And yet, here we are.

As y’all are well aware we made the decision to homeschool our 3 teen/pre-teen boys who live in a total of 3 different homes with 6 different parents (and therefore 6 different opinions, ways to do things, and on and on). PS - If you didn’t know that you can catch up with our journey by reading our posts here: Homeschooling Blended-Style and #Dadlife Homeschooling

This lasted for a total of about 2 ½ weeks for a couple of our boys. Literally. 2 ½ weeks. Not kidding.

Homeschooling was NOT working well at all within the reality of our family circumstances. It forced us to take a very honest look at the reality of our situation and make some tough decisions. And the toughest decision was knowing in our hearts that we needed to pull them from homeschool and put them into a more stable, consistent schooling environment with centralized teaching (and teacher) and expectations. For the health of our kids, for the health of our marriage, for the health of the relationships between multiple homes.

It was a hard decision and a hard change, but we knew it was the RIGHT change (even if my heart still feels a little raw and achy about it right now).

PIVOT!!!

We’re one week in and still finding footing, but here we are. And there are a few lessons we’ve taken (and that we’re still totally working our way through) from being “in the blender” that were especially highlighted during this time. Lessons that are definitely not unique to blended families but can sometimes become exasperated within our family structure.

1. Recognize and embrace what IS instead of what you wish or hope WOULD be.

I had a boss almost 20 years ago (OMG side bar - this is when I was a used car salesperson. YES! Little known fact. I sold used cars, obviously) who used to say this eloquent and totally profound statement frequently. He’d say, “Stephanie, you can hope in one hand and sh%# in the other and see what fills up first.” Crass and pessimistic, but oddly effective when used in certain circumstances.

Please hear me loudly and clearly on this, I am FULL of hope and believe strongly in placing our hope in Jesus Christ. However, there is a difference between having our hope in Jesus and hoping people or circumstances would be different then they are. Mike and I have had to learn (sometimes the hard way) over the years that there are some things that JUST ARE WHAT THEY ARE due to our situation. There can be SOO much redemption in blended families, but there are also challenges due to the fact that we are living outside of God’s originally intended design. We are purposeful about reminding ourselves of the reality we are in, who is involved, and what that means in terms of healthy decision making and boundaries. When things start to go off the rails it’s typically because one (or both of us) have lost sight of this.

2. Recognize that your priorities may not be everybody else’s.

Blended family dynamics can make us shift the lens with how we look at the things we have been given to steward and nurture. I realize that others may not always understand or agree with the way we choose to do things, what we choose to make important, and what we choose to LET GO off… and that my darlings, is ok.

On the flip side of this same coin, I firmly recognize that the nasty bug of comparison can sneak its way into my heart if I’m not careful (especially when dealing with change). The reality of my priorities may look different then what I’d prefer (see # 1), and when I start to compare my situation to what others are choosing for their families, to what I think is right or fair or best, I tend to end up with a sad little withered heart.

I’ll leave this with the question I ask myself a lot: What choices do I need to make for the health of my family, my marriage, and the things that have been put into MY hand (with MY specific situation and purposing and tribe) to steward?

3. Extend BUCKET LOADS of grace to yourself and to each other

Ahem. Let’s say that again for the people in the nose-bleed section… We have learned just how universally life-giving a generous extension of grace can be at all times, but especially during periods of change and transition (which is a HUGE component of blended family living), how absolutely imperative it is to extend an enormous pile load of grace and love and gentleness and patience to each other AND (often the more difficult) to ourselves. Let’s just say that this has challenged our tribe more than ever lately. We made a decision that we felt was well thought out, prayed over, fasted over. We seeked out wise council. We read the books. We did the things. And yet….

GRACE

GRACE

GRACE like a deep and overflowing well.

4. Recognize that the actual COMPLETION of God’s promise may look very different than the PROCESS of God’s promise.

We see this over and over again in the Bible. Why do I still expect it to look different in my life?

Bless my heart.

During this season I have turned to Proverbs 19:21 over and over again seeking comfort from my heavenly father. “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.” As a planner by nature, this serves as both a total gut check and also as a balm to my “over-checklisted” soul. It can be hard when we are walking through a promise of any kind that we felt was given by God and it’s looking very different than we thought it would. I don’t know about you, but I can lean sliiiiiightly towards the “WHAT THE HECK GOD????!!”

But I’ve been here before. Right in the middle of a promise yet fulfilled. I know this space of the in-between. And God’s right here in this space with us. Asking us to trust Him. So we are. Trusting and stand firm that “every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good” (Romans 8:28).

Even without yet knowing the full outcome and fruitfulness of our decision.

PIVOT!!!!

xxoo, Steph ("her blend" post!)